I’ve struggled to find happiness in my life since a young age. People who know me would be surprised to hear me say “I’m not happy.”. How can you not be happy when you have everything good in your life? But that’s not fully true. You see, I was blessed with a calamity at the age of three years old. I lost my eyesight in my right eye due to a self-inflicted injury. An injury I caused to myself due to not following my mother’s warning about playing with a stick. I went from a bubbly and energetic little girl, who had so much life in her, to an isolated and sad little girl. No longer did I enjoy the company or playing with other children because I wasn’t the same anymore. I was different, different from all the other kids. I had to learn to adapt to my new environment/life which is seeing with one eye.
My family were and still are my greatest supporters. They were there through every step, every doctor’s appointment, and every breakdown until this day. They showered me with unconditional love and care, never did they ever make me feel like I was missing something. My parents spoiled me like crazy, especially my father who never said no to anything I asked for. I was allowed to do whatever and go wherever I wanted to. They gave me freedom to be myself, but of course with limits. They pushed and motivated me to do my best in school, and alhamdulillah I was able to make them proud by becoming a first-generation college student.
Despite the blessing of having a supportive and loving family, a good education, the ability to still have eyesight in at least one eye, and all the other blessings Allah swt blessed me with, I still struggled to find happiness. 18 months ago, I was at my lowest point in life. I was completely lost. Crying almost every day, sometimes waking up in the middle of the night and just crying in the dark. I no longer was eating right, one meal a day was considered enough. I stopped socializing with my family and friends. I deleted Instagram and Snapchat, I went completely off the grid. I basically isolating myself from everyone. I had a complete shutdown. My family and friends felt useless because they didn’t know how to help me. To the point where I was once asked if I was going through depression by one of my close friends. Honestly, I didn’t know how to answer her because it felt like I was.
I felt a void in me. I was tired, mentally and emotionally. I was tired from the pressure I was put under, the expectations I had to meet, and most importantly, I was done being strong and faking happiness. Exhaustion and sadness took over me, day after day I was getting worse. Now, please don’t think I was low on my iman. No, I was praying five times a day and reading Quran, which gave me some sense of peace. I was trying my best to stay connected with Allah swt and trusting Him. However, this temporary world can sometimes get the best of you. Here I am today, slowly trying to regain my life that I was losing. Every day is a battle, a battle against my unwanted, negative thoughts. I constantly remind myself that Allah swt has a plan for me. That He’s testing my patience and that I should always trust and keep my faith in him. That I am more blessed than so many others, and that enough should make me happy; and I am grateful. Grateful for all the blessings and trials that I’ve been through and will continue to go through in the future. Thankful for the struggles and challenges that helped shape me and continue to shape me to become a better person.
To leave you on a good note, here’s a verse from the Quran that helped me get through my struggles. A verse that brought ease and comfort to my soul when I was in a dark place. A verse that I keep going back to every time I hit rock bottom:
“No disaster strikes except by permission of Allah. And whoever believes in Allah – He will guide his heart. And Allah is Knowing of all things.” (Quran 64:11)